Revelations From Trump’s Financial Documents

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Donald Trump made the financial disclosures this week required of all presidential candidates, divulging his job titles, assets, and other information in a 92-page report. Here are some things we learned about Trump in these documents:

  • Forced to work 487 different jobs just to keep empire afloat
  • Values of Trump’s assets have risen in correlation with nation’s contempt for him
  • Made $1.75 million last year telling large crowds how pitiful and classless they are
  • Credit score a respectable 720
  • Trump has saved over $8 million by not bothering to come up with a different name for any of his businesses
  • Though Trump’s books are not the biggest moneymakers, getting a book published in this economy is a huge accomplishment in itself
  • Made majority of his wealth by buying up millions of ‘Forever’ stamps years ago and waiting for their value to increase
  • Nine months away from paying off 2012 Corolla
  • Trump’s personal brand of tectonic plates, currently covering one-eighth of the earth’s lithosphere, generated $400 million in revenue last quarter
  • Trump’s wife, Melania, currently valued at $1.2 million
  • Investments unfortunately too well diversified to see him suddenly bankrupted by unexpected market shift
  • Considers most valuable asset to be satisfaction at a life well lived