NEW YORK—Touting the product’s ability to erase pesky skin imperfections, blemishes, and discolorations, cosmetics giant Revlon announced Tuesday that it had released a new line of concealer pins designed to instantly blind users from their own hideous forms. “With this revolutionary new beauty treatment, all customers need to do is grasp the pin, stick it deep into each eye, and then wait until their vision blurs and totally disappears,” said Revlon spokesperson Jenna Tikkus, adding that during trials, participants felt more confident and beautiful within 30 minutes of no longer being able to gaze upon their disgusting, disfigured faces. “Say goodbye to wrinkles, bags, and sun damage, because with Revlon’s patented retina-puncturing formula, you’ll never have to gaze upon your repulsive, vomit-inducing features ever again. Once the blood is gone and your eyes have healed, the only thing you’ll see is sweet, beautiful darkness.” At press time, Revlon announced it had also released a series of stylish eye patches for customers to wear while they wandered the desolate plain of darkness for the rest of their existence.
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