NEW YORK—Nearly two years after the death of the infamous financier as he awaited trial on charges of trafficking minors for sex, sources confirmed Friday that Manhattan-based rich guy Felix Templeton was asking around to see if anyone could tell him who the new Jeffrey Epstein was. “It’s been a while, so I figure by now someone else must have taken over Jeff’s role in terms of sourcing and grooming high-end underage prostitutes to offer to friends,” said Templeton, explaining that he had not attended an opulent orgy with 15-year-olds since 2019, when an unattended Epstein died by hanging in his jail cell. “It just made sense to drop a few lines and see if anyone else has been hosting parties at which young teenage girls are available for sex, whether that’s here on the Upper East Side, on a private island in the Caribbean, or wherever. Obviously, Jeff can never truly be replaced, but if you get word of an unapologetic pedophile who ferries powerless young girls to influential men, let me know, would you? I asked around the board room, but it turns out everyone there was hoping I knew someone.” Templeton went on to state that if no one else had taken advantage of the vacancy, he would be both honored and humbled to accept the job and pick up right where Epstein left off.
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