Many assume spring to be Smoove’s favorite season, the season when he feels most on his game. Others think it’s summer, when the women are at their finest, or winter, when the weather’s so cold you must hold your girl tight to stay warm. These people do not know Smoove or his thoughts on the seasons. For this love man, autumn is the best season. It is a time for steamy spiced wine, lounging on soft fur in front of a roaring fire, and pleasing that booty.
However, in order to squeeze every ounce of juice from the ripe, plump berry of autumn, we must sadly leave the city we love so much. We must leave the fine restaurants, the bumping clubs, and the after-hours cocktail clubs that require you to be friends with the owner. We must leave all these things behind and go upstate. This is where the pleasures of fall truly come alive.
This also allows Smoove to take his one true girl on a train ride. Trains are, after all, the most erotic way to travel. Even more so than boats.
Let me break it down for you.
I will arrive in a pure white limo and pick you up from the two-bedroom apartment that you share with your sister, who, while fine, is no match for you. While we are being driven to the station, we will sip champagne from crystal champagne glasses and look into each other’s eyes. I will say things like, “I love how the autumn light looks in your hair,” and “Your shoulders look especially fine today.” These words will turn you on.
Once we reach the station, I will carry your bags to the train. These bags will be heavy but at no time will I struggle. Smoove’s back is strong.
Soon, we will arrive at our private train car and settle in. Once the train starts its journey, we will hold hands and gently caress each other as we look out the window, marveling at the fall scenery. We will start talking about everyday things, but then our conversation will deepen. I will even open up about my past relationships and the difficulty I have had with my cousin. This display of emotional intimacy will bring us closer. It will also make you want to ride my pony right there on the floor of our luxury train car. You will do this.
We will gently fall asleep in each other’s arms and wake up as the train begins to pull into the quaint, sun-dappled town that is our destination. We will arrive at dusk so everything about the village will appear magical and special.
After a short ride from the train station, we will reach our romantic bed and breakfast. The elderly couple who run the bed and breakfast will be taken aback by the level of passion emanating from our two bodies. They have seen many lovers come through their doors, but it will be clear from their faces that we have brought a new level of romance to their establishment.
We will arrive at the room and the B&B owners, while old, will have made all my special requests come true: silk sheets, an MP3 player playing Miguel, and many, many candles. You will be impressed by my forethought and my ability to communicate my vision to other people.
We will walk to a nearby Italian restaurant. While the food will not be up to our usual standard, the small-town kindness and surprisingly good wine selection will make the experience enjoyable. Also you will look fine, something I will mention at least five times during dinner.
Afterward, we will walk home from the restaurant slowly. We will stop to look at the orangest and yellowest leaves in the moonlight. During this time I will caress the small of your back delicately. Despite our mounting erotic tension we will not speed up. We will enjoy the cool night air and the scenic walk. We both know letting the tension build will make our eventual union that much more explosive.
Once we arrive at our room, I will run you a warm bath and fill it with flower petals the B&B owners have provided. I will undress you and lead you to the bath. I will then slowly wash your entire body using only Egyptian washcloths.
After the bath is complete, I will dry you off and then lead you to the rocking chair that is clearly there only for decorative purposes. We will use it for our own erotic purposes. This chair will take you to new heights of ecstasy. We will become like two sexy comets who fly on the same path, bumping into each other over and over again until the comets can’t take no more and enter a planet’s atmosphere and disintegrate. These comets will be very satisfied.
In the morning, we will enjoy the breakfast of the B&B owners, which, while adequate, will not have imported any food item from the finest growing region available.
However, it will be clear from their appearance that our visit has awakened long-dormant passions in the elderly B&B owners. We will smile at each other knowing that this will be our good deed.
On the train ride home, we will recount our many enjoyable activities during our trip. You will also ride my pony one more time.
This is why Smoove loves the fall.
Smoove B resides in the city of Cincinnati, OH, in a 10th-floor penthouse. He is a regular guest contributor at the Cincinnati Learning Annex, where he teaches the popular six-week course, “The Fundamentals Of Relationship Communication.” From 1998–2001, he wrote, produced, and starred in a semi-regular cable-access cooking show that focused on breakfast.