In today’s gig economy, rideshare drivers receive zero protections but are forced to risk their lives for customers. The Onion asked drivers to describe their worst experience, and this is what they said.
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“I think the worst experience was when someone I didn’t know got into my car.”
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“One time, I dropped this woman off at the airport and said, ‘Have a nice flight,’ and she said, ‘You too.’ What a piece of shit.”
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“I ended up having to pick up dozens of people and stop at several predesignated stops before the ride was finally over. Come to think of it, I might be a bus driver.”
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“I don’t pick up any customers just in case they’re terrible. I just drive in circles wasting gas.”
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“This guy who got stabbed was too cheap for an ambulance ride and bled all over my Civic. He let me keep the blood, though.”
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“They wouldn’t stop complaining about the trunk size when I tied them up inside there.”
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“They couldn’t even get the $50 question right!”
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“I mean, yeah, she promised to check out my YouTube channel before she got out, but I could tell she didn’t really mean it.”
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“I realized too late the destination was a drive-in movie theater, and I had to sit through Uncharted.”
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“It’s a toss-up between the customer who robbed me at gunpoint and the customer who kept asking me to change the radio station.”
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“There was one customer who started screaming all this racist stuff. But it turned out he was just saying it into his phone, not at me, so it was totally fine.”
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“I don’t know, maybe on another day I would’ve been more open to someone masturbating through his pants in the back of my Corolla.”
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“I hate the backseat drivers! The ones who are all, ‘This isn’t the way to my house!’ or ‘Where are you taking me?’ or ‘Why did you drive us so deep into the woods?’”
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“This couple started smoking meth in the backseat. I’m still not sure how they found my stash.”
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“He asked me to turn off The Joe Rogan Experience; didn’t he want to understand the world?”
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“My wife ordered a ride and then wrote a review where she asked for a divorce.”
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“I got murdered!”
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“Nothing comes to mind. Every person I’ve ever driven has been extremely polite and respectful. On an unrelated note, I am insane.”
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