CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setting fire to crime scene evidence. “Prices have soared far past $4 per gallon, leaving ordinary citizens precious little gasoline with which to douse, light up, and burn down the home where they just murdered someone, or the basement where they operate a meth lab,” said Northwestern University economics professor Melissa Ngo, explaining that everyday American felons face an increased risk of incarceration now that authorities can more easily find the fingerprints, DNA samples, clothing fibers, and incriminating documents they rely upon to solve cases. “Many Americans can barely afford to burn a single body of someone they killed in cold blood, let alone everything at the scene that ties them to the crime. And if they are murdering and dismembering a family four, for example, the cost of incinerating all the corpses can be truly prohibitive. Worst of all, they can’t even bury the bodies, because they don’t have the gas to travel to a remote location where their victims’ remains can be safely hidden and never, ever found.” Ngo suggested the best option for Americans may be to split the cost of gas with friends or neighbors by pooling all their crime scene evidence and burning it together.
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