LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide much-needed assistance to the beleaguered terrorist organization, a charity concert known as Rock The Caliphate—featuring U2, Ed Sheeran, Dua Lipa, and other top musical acts—was held last night to raise money for the struggling Islamic State.
According to event organizers, the star-studded benefit, held before a crowd of nearly 100,000 at the Los Angeles Coliseum and live-streamed over the internet to millions more, aimed to bring together the biggest names in pop music and fund relief efforts that will aid ISIS militants in their attempt to reestablish a caliphate and return to the territories they once called home.
“We can no longer turn a blind eye toward the devastation faced by this group of radical Islamists,” said Bono, U2 frontman and one of the concert’s organizers, who appeared on stage in his trademark wraparound shades and with an ISIS flag draped over his shoulders. “In the past few years, nearly all the land of their great country has been stripped away from them, and they have seen tens of thousands of their brethren killed by bombs. They have been left with almost nothing. Tonight, we come together to say, ‘No more!’ Tonight, we come to offer help.”
“All proceeds from this performance will go directly to underprivileged jihadis,” Bono continued, “because no child soldier deserves to go off and fight for a cause without food in his stomach and a Kalashnikov in his hands.”
After his high-energy set opening the four-hour concert, performer Bruno Mars lent his star power to the Islamic State by working the phone banks, where he reportedly solicited donations from TV viewers alongside celebrities such as Jimmy Fallon, Jennifer Lawrence, self-proclaimed caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, and Chris Pratt. The pop sensation told callers their contributions would help ensure ISIS recruits receive the training they need to conduct public floggings, burn people alive, stone infidels to death, and throw adulterers off the roofs of tall buildings.
“For these terrorists, the dream of a global caliphate completely cleansed of Christians, Jews, Yazidis, and Shia Muslims is dying,” said singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran, who told reporters he was persuaded to participate in the benefit show after learning many in the Islamic State don’t even have human shields to protect themselves with. “They have so much potential—they could be out there retaking Raqqa and Mosul—but they’ve been left destitute by airstrikes and Kurdish freedom fighters. We have to get out there and do something to empower these people, like giving them the tools they need to build explosive devices and carry out violent beheadings.”
“If even one person hears me singing and the power of music moves them to reach into their hearts and pockets and give so that a young ISIS teen can strap on his first suicide vest, then I’ve done my part as an artist,” Sheeran added.
For the show’s final encore, Dua Lipa, Lady Gaga, Adam Levine of Maroon 5, and Cardi B joined U2 for a performance of “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” that was accompanied by a video montage showing the ravaged remains of the caliphate as it shrinks from an area the size of Britain to a few tiny Syrian outposts. A new recording of the song has been made available in the iTunes store, with revenues reportedly going toward the purchase of computers that will allow budding ISIS cyber-warriors to fulfill their dreams of hacking into the servers of Western governments and, in time, destroying all of Christendom. As of press time, the track had already been downloaded more than 17 million times.
Sources reported that al-Baghdadi was pleased with the sold-out benefit concert and deemed the event an overwhelming success after a series of charges placed throughout the stadium were simultaneously detonated, killing everyone in attendance.