Romantic Experts Recommend Spending 3 Months’ Salary On Valentine’s Teddy Bear

Illustration for article titled Romantic Experts Recommend Spending 3 Months’ Salary On Valentine’s Teddy Bear

BOSTON—Calling it one of the most meaningful purchases a person ever makes, romance etiquette experts told reporters Monday that it was customary to spend the equivalent of three months’ salary on a Valentine’s Day teddy bear for one’s significant other. “If you’re serious about asking someone to be your Valentine, then you should be willing to set aside approximately 25% of your gross annual income to pay for the bear they’ve always dreamed of,” said relationship coach Madeline Kirby, adding that while the purchase of an opulent stuffed animal might seem like an outdated tradition, the average American would still spend $10,000 to $50,000 on a bear for the big day this year. “Teddy bears remain an eternal symbol of one’s affection, so don’t settle for any old ball of fuzz holding a heart that says ‘I love you.’ At the very least, you should get one that wears a little hat and jacket and, when a drawstring is pulled, turns its head side to side, blinks, and recites a prerecorded message indicating the sincerity of your devotion. We also recommend hiring a third-party appraiser to evaluate the bear before finalizing a payment of six figures or more.” Kirby added that a person unwilling to buy such a gift for the “bear-y special person” in their life should stop to consider whether they are in the right relationship.

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