The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Ron DeSantis

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Ron DeSantis

PublishedMay 2, 2023

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Ron DeSantis, the rightwing governor of Florida, has been making headlines due to his ongoing feud with Disney and rumored presidential bid. The Onion sits down with the prominent Republican to discuss his political principles.

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Q: Gov. DeSantis, we can’t thank you enough for sitting for the interview and wish you luck in your political career, but we did want to clarify: Didn’t you support cuts to Social Security and Medicare in 2013, 2014, and 2015?

Q: Gov. DeSantis, we can’t thank you enough for sitting for the interview and wish you luck in your political career, but we did want to clarify: Didn’t you support cuts to Social Security and Medicare in 2013, 2014, and 2015?

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A: Fuck you! Fuck you! I’ll kill you! Let go of me, you sons of bitches! I’m going to tear this fucker’s throat out with my teeth! This interview is over! I’ll destroy your life. I’ll kill your wife and kids! FUCK!

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Q: You often take issue with the term “systemic racism,” why is that?

Q: You often take issue with the term “systemic racism,” why is that?

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A: Millions of Floridians—and Americans, really—make a conscious effort to be racist every single day, and to only give credit to the system within which they function denies their hard work.

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Q: How old are you?

Q: How old are you?

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A: Young enough that you’ll have to deal with me for the rest of your life.

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Q: You are Italian.

Q: You are Italian.

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A: That’s a bald-faced fucking lie! Where’s your proof!? I won’t stand for this slander!

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Q: Do you believe you have a charisma problem?

Q: Do you believe you have a charisma problem?

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A: Not at all, friend! You’re my friend. You like me.

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Q: What is your gender?

Q: What is your gender?

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A: Well, my gender is fluid and constantly changing, so I just like to say my gender is me.

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Q: How would you respond to claims that flying migrants to Martha’s Vineyard was human trafficking?

Q: How would you respond to claims that flying migrants to Martha’s Vineyard was human trafficking?

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A: Oh, it is. That’s why I did it.

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Q: What book would you like to ban from all schools?

Q: What book would you like to ban from all schools?

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A: The Art Of The Deal by Donald Trump, but I can never say that.

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Q: Despite your anti-federal rhetoric, after Hurricane Ian, you accepted over $3 billion in federal aid for Florida. Do you see a contradiction there?

Q: Despite your anti-federal rhetoric, after Hurricane Ian, you accepted over $3 billion in federal aid for Florida. Do you see a contradiction there?

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A: Sadly, yes. Plain and simple, I got cucked. Brandon cucked me. That was a true beta move for me, and I’ll always regret being an inner libtard at heart.

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Q: Why did you get married at Disney World if you claim to hate the company?

Q: Why did you get married at Disney World if you claim to hate the company?

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A: At the time, I only knew Disney’s reputation for exploiting its workers.

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Q: What is with your ongoing feud with Disney?

Q: What is with your ongoing feud with Disney?

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A: I just like any fight between two awful entities where there are truly no good guys.

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Q: What’s the most “Florida man” thing you’ve ever done?

Q: What’s the most “Florida man” thing you’ve ever done?

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A: Probably a tie between getting eaten by a gator while selling knives for an MLM and effectively eliminating LGBTQIA+ rights from the state.

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Q: Whoa, you were deployed to Iraq with the Navy SEALs?

Q: Whoa, you were deployed to Iraq with the Navy SEALs?

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A: Yeah, I shot a kid right in the fucking face.

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Q: What would you say to people criticizing you for providing legal advice on the force-feeding of prisoners at Guantánamo Bay?

Q: What would you say to people criticizing you for providing legal advice on the force-feeding of prisoners at Guantánamo Bay?

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A: That it’s excellent practice for being president of the United States.

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Q: Who is a good governor of Florida? Who is?

Q: Who is a good governor of Florida? Who is?

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A: I am! I am!

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Q: Where did you go to college?

Q: Where did you go to college?

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A: I came up in the anti-elite hardscrabble world of Yale University and Harvard Law School.

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Q: Ah, a Yale man, we see.

Q: Ah, a Yale man, we see.

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A: Oh, jeez, you were in Delta Kappa, too, weren’t you? Long time, no see. You going up to the reunion next year?

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Q: Why did you fight so hard to enact a six-week abortion ban in Florida?

Q: Why did you fight so hard to enact a six-week abortion ban in Florida?

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A: I missed all the power I had to slowly kill people through bodily torture at Guantánamo.

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Q: You’ve signed legislation to stop schools from becoming “woke.” Can you define woke for us in this context?

Q: You’ve signed legislation to stop schools from becoming “woke.” Can you define woke for us in this context?

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A: Oh, that’s easy. Simply put, I’d like to exterminate the lesser races.

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Q: Are you planning to run for president in 2024?

Q: Are you planning to run for president in 2024?

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A: I’m considering it, but I need to be sure that I can really alienate voters outside of Florida.

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Q: What do you say to accusations that you’re trying to mimic Donald Trump’s style?

Q: What do you say to accusations that you’re trying to mimic Donald Trump’s style?

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A: Oh, please. I’ll never be half as charismatic or funny as Trump is.

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Q: Want some pudding?

Q: Want some pudding?

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A: I don’t have a spoon on me, so, absolutely.

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Q: Where do you like to get your news?

Q: Where do you like to get your news?

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A: Breitbart. Fox. Those newspapers at Disney World where you can put your own face on the front page.

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Q: What would you do if we pushed you into the pool right now?

Q: What would you do if we pushed you into the pool right now?

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A: OMG, don’t!

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You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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