TALLAHASSEE, FL—During a rally in which he decried the cut of his suit as yet another example of political correctness run amok, Florida governor and likely presidential candidate Ron DeSantis railed against his own pants Friday, blaming the woke garment for making his ass look huge. “These pernicious navy slacks, with their woke and evil agenda, have conspired to make my ass appear very, very fat, and I won’t stand for it,” said DeSantis, claiming that the pants flagrantly trampled upon his First Amendment right to show off his butt in the sexiest and most flattering manner possible. “I mean, what is the world coming to when radical liberal tailors can conspire to make what should be a nice, juicy booty look enormous and disgusting instead. If they think they can indoctrinate children into thinking I have anything other than a shapely-if-hefty backside, then they have another think coming.” At press time, DeSantis had signed an executive order banning all pants in the state of Florida.