TALLAHASSEE, FL—Attempting his formal announcement again in an effort to compensate for last night’s glitch-ridden debacle on Twitter, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly relaunched his presidential campaign Thursday from inside a burning Tesla. “America deserves a president who won’t cave to wokeness and will instead embrace the values of our founding fathers,” said DeSantis, who, sitting in the front seat of a Tesla Roadster as it filled with smoke and the doors automatically locked, looked on helplessly when the hood erupted in flames, the self-driving function engaged, and the fiery vehicle tore through the streets, running over numerous pedestrians. “We must rein in the administrative state, and President…President Biden isn’t… Shit, shit, shit. Um, we need—oh God!—we need to shut down the border, and…we, ugh, I need help! Please, call 9-1-1! I can’t control this thing!” At press time, first responders had reportedly rescued DeSantis by pulling him out through one of the Tesla windows, its bulletproof glass having shattered immediately after an officer fired a single shot at it.
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