Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else’s Grains, Cereals Per Day

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Agriculture rolled out changes to its Roommate Food Pyramid for the first time in years Wednesday, revising the dietary guidelines to include four servings of someone else’s grains and cereals per day. “Under our new recommendations, housemates can meet their nutritional allotment of grains by grabbing whatever bread’s in the kitchen and taking a couple slices from the middle of the loaf, or by consuming one or more bowls of Frosted Flakes, provided the box is already open,” said USDA nutritionist Linus Wolcott, emphasizing the importance of eating complex carbohydrates and placing all items back exactly where they were found. “And, as usual, we urge roommates to meet their recommended daily intake of protein by eating at least four ounces of Steve’s lunch meat right out of the plastic bag, ideally directly in front of the refrigerator with their back turned to the kitchen door in case he walks in.” Wolcott also noted that the USDA had removed its earlier recommendation of drinking the last few swigs of orange juice, citing recent adverse findings.