Friday, June 3, marked 100 days since Russia launched an invasion of Ukraine, and the war shows no signs of ending. The Onion looks back at the conflict’s key events so far.
February 24: Vladimir Putin offers series of increasingly unconvincing reasons for invading Ukraine before just going ahead and doing it.
February 25–27: Combative Ukrainian citizens stun Russian troops, who expected to be home by the weekend.
March 17: Kremlin advisors run out of excuses for why Putin shouldn’t check the news.
March 31: Russians hand control of Chernobyl back to Ukrainians after failing to mutate soldiers into X-Men.
April 4: President Biden formally welcomes Putin into global club of war criminals.
April 8: Putin officially uninvited from presenting at 2022 Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards.
April 9: Wild night of partying somehow leads to Boris Johnson waking up in Kyiv.
April 25: Volodymyr Zelensky declines Putin’s offer to end war in exchange for 150% of Ukrainian territory.
May 21: One lucky Ukrainian receives $40 billion deposit from U.S. Treasury.
June 3: World gradually starts to remember that sometimes wars last kind of a long time.