MOSCOW—Uncertain how much longer his psyche could handle the unbearable conditions of the operation, Russian agent Aleksei Yelizarov told reporters Tuesday that he was disgusted with the things he is forced to do to pass himself off as a Reddit commenter. “God, if I have to blend in again by responding to a social justice warrior with threatening pictures of dead babies, I’m going to throw up,” said Yelizarov, adding that his years of espionage training never prepared him to defend the concept of pedophilia tooth-and-nail in a forum titled “Women lie for attention” under the incel subreddit. “Honestly, I haven’t slept much since posting the nudes we hacked in our smear campaign against that female journalist. God, I really didn’t want to email her pictures of Jews in Nazi gas chambers either, but it was the only surefire way to stave off suspicion about my identity.” At press time, Yelizarov had decided he couldn’t take it anymore and decided to return to his old job of torturing dissidents.

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