Swimming — Daytona Beach, Florida
Strengths: Thanks to obscure loophole, is allowed to use a canoe; powerful bubble-blower
Flaws: Crippled by constant fear of being sucked into pool’s filter
Preferred Places To Finish Behind Michael Phelps: Third, fourth, second
Better known as: Not Michael Phelps, The New Michael Phelps, That Different Swimming Guy
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Favorite stroke: Refused to answer out of respect for all strokes