The Onion’s Guide To The Oscars

This year's crop of Oscars nominees represent the singular power of cinema to transport viewers into worlds as far-flung as fantasy African kingdoms and British palaces, demonstrating the magical ability of movies to distract viewers from their inexorable march towards the grave. Before you enjoy the glitz and glamor of Hollywood's most important night, join America's Finest News Sources to survey the artists behind these fitful diversions from human frailty and bodily collapse.

Best Picture

Best Director

Best Actress

Best Actor

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