GOLDENDALE, WA—Taking a deep breath, exhaling, and releasing all the tension of a stressful day from his body, chosen offering to the gods Dale Balko told reporters Tuesday that the sacrificial altar upon which he lay was comfier than expected. “The altar actually feels great on my back, and with those torches they lit all around me, it’s really warm and cozy up here, too,” said Balko, remarking that the flowers, candelabras, and incense were a nice surprise that created a pleasant ambience while the priest sharpened his knife for the ritual. “I feel pampered, to be honest. The consecrated wine was delicious, and the chanting from the followers circling the altar is very soothing. Not even the blood, bones, and uneaten bits of flesh from the previous sacrifice detract from the atmosphere that much. I’m so relaxed I might just drift off to sleep!” Balko added that the priest about to cut out his still-beating heart was quite charming, and he would gladly recommend the ceremony to friends if he weren’t going to be dead soon.