ELIZABETH, NJ—Carefully analyzing the sizes and telltale patterns of the deep red stains, investigators reportedly conducted a thorough sauce-splatter analysis Tuesday to reconstruct the horrific, grisly consumption of a meatball sub that occurred inside a local marketing firm’s offices. “By measuring inward from the farthest-flung sauce droplets and testing how much moisture remained in them, we’ve determined that a roughly eight-inch sandwich—almost certainly smothered in melted provolone and marinara—was viciously devoured by the perpetrator less than an hour ago,” said lead investigator Heather Fischer, adding that based on the swath of crumbs spread across the desk and floor, it was likely that the grotesque event was over in a matter of seconds. “Moreover, this shiny grease spot here indicates that the oily Italian bread remained stationary for a brief period, possibly in order for the suspect to gulp down some Dr. Pepper, stuff a few salt and vinegar chips in his mouth, or search frantically for a napkin. Whatever the case may be, it is clear that the individual acted without even a shred of remorse.” Fischer added that her team was planning a stakeout of the cubicle during the next day’s lunch hour to test their theory that the savage, degenerate suspect would strike again.

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