NEW YORK CITY—Taking drastic measures to silence their critics, Saudi Arabia reportedly sent assassins to dismember the entire international community Monday as part of an effort to stifle dissent. “At the order of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman, teams of assassination squads were dispatched to all corners of the globe to execute every diplomat, human rights organization member, world leader, and journalist who has spoken out against the regime,” said a source from the United Nations speaking on the condition of anonymity for fear of their life, adding that a bloodbath ensued as killers infiltrated embassies, government offices, and private homes around the world with specific instructions to slaughter all detractors of Saudi Arabia. “Anyone who has made even a single critical comment or pulled out of the Saudi’s Future Investment Initiative business conference has been hacked to bloody chunks. Even journalists who reported on the death tolls were systematically butchered.” At press time, U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo was dismembered immediately upon disembarking from his plane to meet with a Saudi delegation to discuss the incident.

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