Public school boards have lately become a hotbed of controversy, with parents, school officials, and board members squabbling over curriculums, Covid prevention efforts, and more. The Onion looks at the most heated school board conflicts raging across the country.
Levittown, NY: School board officials agree to have teachers use air quotes anytime they say the word “slavery.”
Wentzville, MO: Ongoing disagreements between parents and school board about banning books kids wouldn’t have read before but now definitely will.
Los Angeles, CA: Meetings have been tense ever since the new rule mandating only the ugly students keep wearing masks.
Eugene, OR: Schools under fire for curriculum focusing on the 1972-74 years of the Grateful Dead’s greatest commercial success while ignoring the blues-influenced early years of Ron “Pigpen” McKernan.
Rochester, NY: Parents have no actual complaints with the school board but find screaming at public officials therapeutic.
Corville, MN: Parent groups have harshly criticized teachers after the last three school shooters’ manifestos were riddled with typos.
Glendale, AZ: Someone read on Facebook that students would be forced to grow Karl Marx beards and now it’s a whole thing.
Bristol, TN: Evangelical community members protest teaching kindergarteners L, G, B, T, and all other deviant consonants.
Columbus, OH: Parents demand to know what gives schools the right to determine their children’s educations, beside teaching certifications, state and local laws, and the desire to help society as a whole.
Rockford, IL: Kind of okay with everything as long as it doesn’t cost money.