OMAHA, NE—In effort to provide each student with specialized attention, local school resource officer Tony Wahl confirmed Tuesday that he had a personalized chokeslam for everyone at Benson Magnet High School. “They love it,” said Wahl, pounding a fist into an open hand as he waited at the door for the line of students to enter the school, where he would greet every child independently with a series of wallops and beatings tailored to each individual’s personal weaknesses. “I like to start the day by shaking, throttling, or punching each kid in a distinctive manner, to let them know they’re all unique in the ways that they’re little pieces of shit. Despite the school having more than 1,500 students, no two are tased in the same place, for instance, because their vulnerable points are not one-size-fits-all. Each child’s windpipe has a different shape, and those differences should all be celebrated with a customized grip. We authority figures have a duty to dehumanize every student in a way that reflects their special shortcomings.” At press time, Wahl had been criticized for mixing up the designated chokeslams of the only two Asian students at the school.