Since Columbine, there have been almost 400 instances of gun violence reported on school grounds in the United States. The Onion asked students how they felt about yet another school shooting, and this is what they said.
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“It was fine. How was your school shooting?”
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“Remembering the victims can really help you learn to count.”
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“When I grow up, I’m going to be president so I can do nothing about this.”
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“One more and the principal says we’ll get a Pizza Hut day at school.”
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“I’ll gladly give my life to defend the Second Amendment—did I say that right, Dad?”
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“I’m ready for anything, because Mommy and Daddy helped me get my affairs in order.”
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“I just got rejected from MIT, so I’m okay with whatever happens next.”
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“My advice is to get in all the bullying you can—one of these kids is going to come shoot you anyway, so you might as well make it worth it.”
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“I’m nervous because Mr. Hoggart doesn’t seem like one of those teachers who’s gonna deliberately draw a shooter’s fire.”
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“I take comfort in knowing that I’m probably too old to be a sufficiently horrifying target anymore.”
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“Eh, most 8-year-olds these days are fully prepared for death.”
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“I just want to live long enough to die at work like a normal person.”
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“At least my brother won’t be needing his college fund now.”
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“Luckily, I’m on too much lithium to really freak out over this.”
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“Something has to be done, or if nothing is done, someone should start providing us snacks and stuff for lockdowns.”
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“Have they tried blaming heavy metal music or tabletop role-playing games?”
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“Everyone has to die a violent public death someday. You might as well be amongst your friends.”
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“Amateur hour. They should see what I have planned.”
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