INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could potentially silence even their fiercest critics, scientists at Indiana University’s School of Medicine announced Tuesday that they had almost developed a life-saving vaccine that they could rub in the faces of all their doubters. “This injection, once it is approved, will have long-lasting ramifications for all of our haters within the medical community who apparently thought they were better than us,” said lead researcher Professor Danielle Padilla, adding that it should only be a few more months until their scumbag PhD rivals, as well as “those cocky bastards at Yale” get their sorry asses handed to them. “In fact, preliminary tests have already shown that they’d better buckle up, because there’s about to be a new big dog in the viral research community. As doctors, scientists, and sometimes patients ourselves, we can’t wait until this product finally reaches the market so we can wipe the floor with those jealous losers for once and for all.” At press time, researchers had quickly retracted all published mentions of the vaccine after FDA testing revealed it had a slew of life-threatening side effects.

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