URBANA, IL—In a warning of what they are calling an impending public health crisis, scientists from the University of Illinois announced Monday that the tingling sensation of autonomous sensory meridian response-inducing stimuli, or ASMR, is actually caused by mass cell death in the brain. “What you are feeling in the back of your mind is slowly killing you, so please, for the love of God, stop now,” said neurologist Samantha Bergmann, who added that even brief episodes of ASMR were found to cause permanent and catastrophic damage to the central nervous system of the listener. “That tingling sensation represents hundreds of millions of your neurons firing one last time as they die then slough off inside your brain. Furthermore, as the tingling progresses down your back, you are feeling the mildly pleasant effects of your spinal cord shriveling and necrotizing. Every time you listen to an ASMR recording, you are literally turning your brain to mush. So please, if you feel even the slightest tingle, put down the headphones and call 911 immediately.” Bergmann also stressed that the tingling sensation of ASMR should not be confused with the tingling sensation that often precedes a stroke, a far less serious phenomenon.

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