ITHACA, NY—Shedding new light on the mating behavior of the bird species native to eastern North America, scientists at the Cornell Lab of Ornithology reported Monday that blue jays mate for life, but that’s like, what, seven years, so who gives a shit? “While blue jays have one partner for their entire life span, we’ve determined that because they don’t even live a full decade, it hardly fucking matters,” said lead researcher Dr. Phil Detsch, adding that in the grand scheme of things, it’s not as if two blue jays in a committed relationship for a few years had time to make a lot of memories together. “Talk to me when you’re 30, 40 years in and just the idea of having sex with your partner pretty much makes you want to fly into a bay window at full speed. Blue jays barely have time to learn one another’s quirks or wonder if they’re wasted their entire life with that one bird.” Detsch went on to state that he was launching a new study into gibbons, monogamous primates that can live more than 40 years, to determine how much they cheat on their partners.
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