BERKELEY, CA—Flexing their imaginations to the limit in an attempt to conceive how the majestic creatures may have lived all those centuries ago, scientists at University of California, Berkeley met Friday to theorize about what the first dinosaur researchers may have looked like. “Of course we can’t create an exact picture, but we can say with some certainty that many were balding at the tops of their heads, they were probably bespectacled, and they likely had some sort of vest or waistcoat and perhaps a pocket watch,” said project lead Maxwell Boxer, whose detailed sketches show the massive 150-200-pound proto-scientists roaming the Earth, reaching a towering 5 feet 9 inches while fully extended on two feet, though many likely appeared shorter while seated on lab stools or hunched over a microscope. “It’s difficult to deduce the primitive paleontologist’s exact diet, as the question hinges on whether they originate from Western Eurasia, Northern Africa, or London, an issue on which many disagree; but evidence suggests they fed during lunch breaks at their native research facilities, possibly making casual small talk with coworkers between bites.” Boxer added that the species is thought to have been prey to the vast majority of coeval homo sapiens due to their small frame, weak arms, and the vulnerability signalled by their lab coats.

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