STANFORD, CA—Surmising that the animal was probably sick and most definitely filthy, Stanford University scientists warned Americans Monday to just stay away from that bird. “It’s doing a weird thing with its wings, and it just looks all grimy,” said researcher Emily Carden, emphasizing that Americans should avoid going anywhere near the bird as scientists had no idea where it had been. “Who knows what this bird’s deal is, but you can tell there’s something wrong with it. It was kind of walking in a circle a bit ago, but now it’s just picking at one of its nasty-looking feathers and making a strange noise. It might be dying, but it could probably still fly right at you if it wanted to. It’s just so gross.” At press time, researchers were urging Americans to remain quiet while they tried to gently poke at the bird with a long stick.