Scrambling Vatican Quickly Establishes Child Molestation As New Sacrament

Illustration for article titled Scrambling Vatican Quickly Establishes Child Molestation As New Sacrament

VATICAN CITY—Backpedaling under increased scrutiny after more revelations of widespread sexual abuse cover-ups in the Catholic Church came to light, a scrambling Vatican quickly issued a proclamation Tuesday establishing child molestation as a new sacrament. “We must properly address the role that child molestation plays in our church and in its leadership, which we will do by enshrining it as the eighth sacrament, and any person of the Roman Catholic faith who has not yet received this sacrament is encouraged to do so immediately,” said a visibly panicked, sweating Pope Francis, adding that Child Molestation would be added to the Catechism of the Catholic Church as a sacrament of initiation alongside Baptism, Confirmation, and the Eucharist. “Being sexually abused at a young age by a member of the clergy is one of our most deeply spiritual and holy acts, and in giving and receiving these sacraments, we are acting according to God’s divine grace. Of course, one must engage oneself completely in the study and practice of being sexually abused in order for the sacrament to be fully administered, and once being initiated, you are expected to teach these practices to future generations. Some may say we are acting in haste today, but in fact we are simply acknowledging and preserving the rite that so many of our priests and church leaders have performed for generations.” Before hurrying out of the press conference, Pope Francis confirmed that any deceased people who had not received the sacrament of child molestation were bound to eternal limbo.