BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Millions of terrified Americans were fleeing their homes in an attempt to outrun the towering tidal waves of thick brunette hair that began flowing across the nation Wednesday when Bosley hair restoration technicians lost control of what was supposed to be a routine medical procedure. “Pass me the follicular retractor, would you, nurse? We seem to have an anomalous hirsute overgrowth here. Nurse? Oh...oh, God! It’s got Nurse Baker! Lock the lab down, now! If anyone can hear me, Mr. Richards’ hairline has reversed receding at an exponential rate and is now spiraling out of control. The cowlicks, the whorls, the tufts—they’re everywhere!” veteran Bosley hair restoration surgeon Dr. Michael Pittz can be heard to say on fragmented operating room footage recorded seconds before he and his entire team of restoration specialists were crushed by runaway dark-brown locks. The restored hair, which normally grows to satisfactory thickness over the course four to six weeks, flooded the operating room before enveloping all of Los Angeles within 20 minutes then shaking itself out luxuriantly up and down the west coast, sweeping its shimmering locks across America’s heartland, and finally making a thick, glossy wasteland of the Appalachian mountain region. At press time, Bosley technicians were injecting Richards’ continent-spanning hair with DHT hormones that cause male pattern baldness, though it was too early to tell if this last-ditch measure would be enough to save the remaining Americans from the swells of enviable, natural-looking hair.

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