TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an effort to foster a more inclusive workplace, Jetsam Marketing Solutions announced Wednesday a new plan to implement diversity by conducting hourly regimented killings of white employees and hiring a more equitable percentage of minority candidates in their stead. “Until our staffing goals are…
OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for the cast of strong, multicultural women, Bay Area Examiner film columnist Justin Garren published a negative review of A Wrinkle In Time Friday in which he nevertheless took pains to remind his…
LOS ANGELES—Gushing that yesterday’s Oscars had changed the face of Hollywood forever, hundreds of total fucking dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism reported Monday that “diversity was the real winner last night.” “On a night traditionally filled with glitz and glam, it was race and gender…
CAIRNS, AUSTRALIA—Adapting to the climatic changes that have irrevocably altered the world’s largest once-living thing, tour guides on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef are now offering divers a chance to see the breathtaking diversity of ocean death. “Whether you want to see thousands of colorful crabs that died as a…
Free speech has become an increasingly contentious issue on college campuses as students, faculty, and the national media debate whether schools should impose restrictions on things like protests, guest speakers, and course material. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of free speech on college campuses.
LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.
Scientists have found that psychedelic drugs such as LSD increase the mathematical diversity of brain activity, thus achieving a “higher state of consciousness.” What do you think?
The year 2017 was the most inclusive one yet for both New York and London Fashion Week, with 12 trans models, 30 plus-size models, and 21 models over 50. What do you think?
Someone who will provide a counter to diversity on the bench
WASHINGTON—In order to ensure a uniform transition to the new administration, the Department of Interior on Thursday requested the immediate resignation of all Obama-era elk. “We are asking all elk appointed by President Obama, regardless of subspecies, to step down from their posts by no later than June 1,” said…
LOS ANGELES—Praising the expansive slate of high-quality fantasies, comedies, and period dramas currently in production while negligently overlooking a gaping hole in the entertainment landscape, cable and network executives reportedly continued to claim this week that we are living in a golden age of television…
An upcoming issue of Playboy will feature Noor Tagouri, a 22-year-old Muslim journalist who will sport a leather jacket, black jeans, hijab, and Converse shoes in the photo as part of a “Renegade” series profiling revolutionary women. What do you think?
Many Americans are moving into extremely small living quarters, simplifying their lives and putting less focus on material goods. The Onion examines the pros and cons of “tiny houses”:
Here is a guide to presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election:
WASHINGTON—After 15 years of broadly targeting the 3.3-million-member community and extensively monitoring its activities, the FBI declared an end Friday to its surveillance of Muslim Americans, saying its exhaustive study of their beautiful culture was finally complete.
With news of an upcoming sequel to the Disney hit Frozen, many fans have taken to social media to express their hope that writers will clarify Queen Elsa is a lesbian, based on implications of her sexuality in the first film. What do you think?
A group of eight prominent women in the tech industry have teamed up to create Project Include, a nonprofit that consults with startups to “accelerate inclusion solutions” and gain diversity in the hiring process. What do you think?
The 88th Academy Awards air Sunday, Feb. 28. Here are some tips for hosting an unforgettable Oscars watch party:
WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
The Library of Congress announced that the National Film Registry will now include Top Gun, Ghostbusters, and the world’s first copyrighted film, 1894’s Edison Kinetoscopic Record of a Sneeze, all of which “epitomize the diversity and richness of the nation’s cinematic heritage.” What do you think?