WASHINGTON—Clarifying their actions surrounding their abrupt removal of the president from the White House press room, Secret Service officials confirmed to reporters Tuesday that they had escorted Donald Trump from his briefing to fulfill their promise of letting him watch them shoot someone. “As soon as we heard reports of an armed suspect on White House grounds, we immediately moved the president to a secure location where he’d be able to watch us fill that bastard with lead,” said Secret Service director James M. Murray, commending agents for quickly springing into action to interrupt the briefing and neutralize the threat of the president not getting to see a guy get shot in front of his eyes. “Of course, ensuring the president has a front-row seat to our agents mowing down a guy in the Rose Garden is Secret Service protocol, but we don’t always see it put into action, unfortunately. It was an incredibly stressful moment, especially trying to usher him into position, but I was so relieved to see that big smile on the president’s face. There have been some close calls over President Trump’s tenure, especially in Lafayette Square back in June, so we’re just glad we were able to get him out there yesterday in time to watch the whole thing unfold.” The Secret Service also confirmed that they had taken the additional step of sequestering Vice President Mike Pence at an unspecified remote location during the threat so that he could watch the agents shoot someone through a telescope.
More from The Onion