DETROIT—Struggling to comfort his visibly downtrodden companion, local secular man Anders Frahm confirmed Wednesday that he wished he had a better way to console his bereaved friend than “Total bummer, dude.” “Yeah, I wish I could just tell him that his mom was in a better place or looking down on everyone, but all I could really think of was ‘Tough luck, big guy,’” said Frahm, who reportedly groped for any consolation more helpful than “That fucking blows, man” that wouldn’t involve him appealing to an omnipotent deity’s divine ways or the commandments of a religious text. “What do I say? ‘Your mom dying is no bueno’? No, that sounds insane. He’s probably getting tired of hearing ‘That’s really rough, man,’ but I’m not sure I’ve got anything better in my back pocket.” At press time, sources reported that Frahm had settled for giving his friend a tight hug and reassuring him that his mother was rotting in the dirt now.
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