SAN DIEGO—Mortified at his lack of familiarity with the seemingly mundane utensil, local diner Thad Jenkins succumbed to paralyzing self-consciousness Wednesday upon realizing that he was the only patron of Japanese restaurant Azuki Sushi who was unclear on the proper use of his water glass. “I kept sneaking little peeks at everyone else here and they all seem like naturals at drinking water from their glasses, but I feel completely out of place,” said a visibly exasperated Jenkins, whose attempts to enclose the water glass with his contorted fingers were frustrated as the condensation-slicked container repeatedly slipped from his hand and clattered onto the table, the floor, and once, messily, into his lap. “I tried to discreetly Google a couple tips for water glass neophytes, but nothing worked. Granted, I don’t have much experience dining at traditional Japanese establishments, but I still feel like an ignorant jackass at not being able to pick up this simple skill. Christ, I can sense all the other customers trying not to look at me.” At press time, Jenkins abandoned his attempt to fit in and was just using his fingers to scoop water into his mouth.
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