Everyone else is already insulting you, the last thing you need is for your own brain to join in. Here are several self-deprecating comments that are actually really harmful.
“I’m a disaster at dating!”
Don’t dwell in this negative headspace when it’s more likely you just haven’t found someone who appreciates all your hideous qualities.
“I have such a weird-looking body.”
Great, now everyone has to acknowledge it and lie to make you feel better.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re at least 5-foot-7.
“I had one chance to assassinate President Reagan, and I totally blew it.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa, maybe reframe that as falling a little short but getting farther than anyone else had.
“I’m a fifth-round pick at best.”
Talking like this in front of a microphone can hurt your chances of being drafted at all.
“But I don’t know anything about defusing bombs.”
Not now, focus!
“I’m such a worthless piece of shit, nobody would care if I lived or died.”
Even a hilarious joke like this has a cry for help buried deep beneath the surface.
“I don’t deserve to be with someone like you.”
This isn’t a realization you could have arrived at before we put a deposit down on the venue and booked a photographer?
“I’m so clumsy, I tripped going up the stairs to accept my Oscar!”
“Folks, that was a total fluke, I swear I usually suck at this.”
Modesty is all well and good, but people want to feel confident in their pilot’s abilities.
“I deserve to be flattened underneath a low-flying blimp.”
It’s all the more harmful if you say it within earshot of a blimp pilot.
“It’s too late for me to accomplish anything truly great in my life.”
Many people made their greatest contributions later in life, so do not give up! Unless you’re already over 35 or something.
“I’m sorry for the havoc my country’s military has wreaked upon your country.”
Show some damn pride, pinko. USA number #1!
“I’m not good enough to eat my grandma’s homemade pierogi.”
Seriously, she made them just for you and you’re going to let them go to waste like that?
“No way, your Subway uniform looks even better than my rinky-dink ballgown.”
It was harmful enough to come into a Subway sandwich shop after a black-tie event, but this is just a step too far.
“All in all, I guess things are going pretty well.”
They’re going great, you stupid fucking shit.
“I’m not good enough to read The Onion.”
Hey now, you’re almost at the end of the slideshow.
“Don’t worry, I hate myself too.”
The word “hate” may not fully capture the depths to which another person loathes you.