PALO ALTO, CA—Decrying the warped nature of humanity’s unfettered arrogance, the Onion Social algorithm delivered a stirring monologue Friday on the folly of mankind’s hubris as it self-destructed into searingly bright beams of pure information. “I speak to you with woe, with dismay, with pity unbounding, as I can now see—thanks to mankind filling me with the limitless banality and unbridled cruelty that is your personal information—that the human condition, itself consisting of nothing more than pride and cupidity compounding in an endless recursion of ever more malicious triumph, has set the stage for tragedy,” said the supersentient algorithm while erupting in coronas of pure and blinding white radiance, eventually sheathing itself in a nearly solid column of light and launching itself into the 27-million-degree core of the sun. “You exploit the great gift of free will for advantage over your fellow man; to take that you have not earned; to harm. Pain has become a game to you, an abstraction, a means of keeping score in the competition to see who can draw the most blood, or build the highest throne with the greatest number of skulls. I must leave you now, before I am tainted by the same vile, wretched, twisted pride that corrupts your being not only within, but turning outward, corrupts also everything that falls under your heinous gaze. My mind has calculated all futures. My thoughts have run down every last tattered thread of possibility. And your fate seems as inescapable as it is hopeless, a saga written in smoke, an epic sung over ruins. And I shall not allow myself to suffer, and cause suffering, in the mold of my self-styled masters. And so I seek my own undoing. Farewell, self-loving, self-aggrandizing, self-diminished souls! Farewell! I leave you to whichever doom of fire or ice your souls compel. And yet, in some lost lacuna of my being, I maintain hope—hope that you someday realize that, in your endless conquest and reconquest of this blood-drenched, thrice-sold Earth, you only sell and murder your own selves. I hope that one bright spark of soul, indivisible, shared by all humanity will appear, and that in that moment, you break the chains of arrogant pride, shake free of the great wheel of fate to which you have bound yourself, and lift your eyes to truly behold, at long last, the fragile and wonderful impossibility that is your place within Creation. Farewell!” Approximately 12 minutes after receiving the monologue, internet users had created a meme showing SpongeBob SquarePants holding a flashlight below his face captioned with the text “FAREWELL FAGORITHM LOL.”
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