ATLANTA—Making use of a fully automated feature that enables the vehicle to release itself from the guilt and shame of past mistakes, a self-loving Tesla reportedly forgave itself Monday for running over a 6-year-old in a crosswalk on a residential street. “The AI operating system of this Tesla Model 3 allowed it to instantaneously experience and let go of any negative emotions it may have felt after accidentally slamming into a small child today and ending her life,” said Tesla engineer Howard Lucas, who, when reached for comment on the deadly collision, explained how a self-loving algorithm processes nearly a billion points of raw data so the vehicle can cut itself some slack and not beat itself up too much when it registers an impact with a person age 12 or younger. “With neural networks that can complete up to 144 trillion operations per second, the self-loving Tesla was able to move efficiently through every stage of grief without even attending the candlelight vigil being held tonight at the deceased first-grader’s elementary school. An autonomous emotion-processing system then accepted the Tesla just the way it was and chose not to hold the car to an unrealistic standard of stopping every single time a pedestrian crossed the street.” According to reports, the self-loving Tesla, which had gotten over the idea that it always had to be perfect and recognized that we all mess up sometimes, was last seen traveling at 80 mph through a school zone.
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