Senate Votes To Make Juneteenth Federal Holiday So Long As No One Thinks Too Hard About Its Significance

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WASHINGTON—In a rare unanimous vote, the Senate passed a bill Wednesday to make Juneteenth a federal holiday so long as no one thinks too hard about its significance. “This is a day to barbecue and get drunk, a day to ask your coworkers what they’re planning to do with their long weekend, and most of all a day to not ask too many questions about what it means or why we’re celebrating,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, who encouraged the nation to commemorate the occasion just as they would any other federal holiday by sleeping in, taking a trip to the beach, or shopping the great Juneteenth sales at stores like Home Depot and Old Navy. “Maybe it’s about the Civil War, maybe it’s about the Constitution, but the important point is we’re drinking a few margaritas and not diving too deep into its historical significance past the word ‘slavery.’ Otherwise, it’s just going to open a whole can of worms. In fact, on second thought, the word ‘slavery,’ is maybe a little charged, so maybe we’ll just leave that out as well.” At press time, Schumer shared his hopes that Juneteenth would one day be celebrated everywhere across the country under a much more vague moniker such as “Freedom Day.”