Arizona senator Kyrsten Sinema recently switched party affiliations and registered as an Independent. The Onion asked U.S. senators what they thought of the move, and here’s what they said.
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“I wonder if that will disrupt anything in the payment schedule with her Raytheon checks.”
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“Check her genitals. I don’t want her using the Independent bathroom if she was born a Democrat.”
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“Ooh, baby babe! Welcome to the Independents, Senator Sinema, we masters of our own destiny! We bow before neither man, nor woman, nor beast! While everyone else is mind-controlled by the party lasers, we just kick back and enjoy the shade—the shade of freedom! You’re in for a wild ride, my friend, ’cause we’re out here mavericking and freedoming and never doing what nobody tells us to do! Take your shoes off and slip in, baby, to Independent town!”
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“Despite this change, we look forward to continuing to working just as closely with Sinema as we have before.”
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“Penelope is a nice girl, really nice girl. Shame about her brother though, what with the war and all. They were two peas in a pod, now he’s got to survive the Viet Cong. But she’ll be okay...she’s strong, that Penelope...wish I had a sister like that, do you have any siblings, doctor?”
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“Anyone else and she’d have been sorely missed.”
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“Everybody goes through that phase when they’re 46.”
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“As a paid representative of multiple corporate industries more focused on her own career than helping everyday Americans, Senator Sinema is truly a unique presence in the Senate.”
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“To be honest, we took her off the Democratic group chat months ago.”
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“I just hope Manchin’s ready to be the sole public face of opposition to progress that has almost every Democrat’s secret backing.”
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“She’s always welcome to join Idaho. There’s lots of room in Idaho. Acres of room to join.”
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“Now I may finally have a shot at ‘Quirkiest Democrat’ when we vote on Congressional superlatives.”
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“God, I’m so fucking annoying.”
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“Kyrsten? The colorful woman who wears funny clothes? I thought she only existed in my head.”
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“No! My brand is ruined!”
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“Doesn’t make us so different, we’re just dependent on different corporate donors.”
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“But I made us Team Arizona Democrats jerseys!”
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“Thank God. I was getting sick of her finding neon wigs in the women’s toilets.”
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“I’m not technically in the Senate any more, but it’s a thrill to be included in this slideshow.”
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“Still not my problem.”
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“The what party?”
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