SEATTLE—Pointing out the excessive use of thematic patterns in the assailant’s modus operandi, authorities told reporters Wednesday that the serial killer terrorizing the area was clearly gunning for the nickname the Parking Lot Butcher. “So far, the bodies have all been found wrapped in waxed paper and dumped in parking lots with a bloody butcher’s cleaver left at the scene, leading us to believe this guy is really desperate for the moniker,” said Seattle police chief Greg Novak, noting that the killer’s method of thinly slicing some of his victims or grinding up their flesh and combining the minced meat with herbs and spices and then stuffing it into casings made from the victim’s own intestines was extremely horrific and embarrassingly heavy-handed. “The obsessive attention to detail in placing a ticket number in the mouth of every victim and adorning the individual bodies with sprigs of parsley are all signs that we are dealing with a complete psychopath who is trying too hard. We were hoping to catch this monster before he went too over-the-top, but I am sad to report that a sixth body was found this morning skewered, grilled, and placed next to a side of potato salad.” At press time, authorities announced that they had arrested a suspect who the media was calling the Emerald City Overkiller.
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