DORAVILLE, GA—Acknowledging its culpability in a recent series of botched euthanasia attempts, international bedding giant Serta expressed remorse Wednesday and issued a recall for 200,000 of the company’s mercy killing pillows. “We wish to apologize to customers who were unable to put a loved one out of their misery due to defects in the craftsmanship of our product, and we will provide a full refund or exchange to anyone who purchased a Serta SmotherPlus Mercy Killing pillow between March and April of this year,” said Serta Simmons Bedding CEO David Swift, responding to widespread complaints that the stitching on the pillow was flimsy and prone to ripping when a bedridden person thrashed and kicked, and that the down filling was insufficiently thick for creating an airtight seal over their mouth. “Even though the SmotherPlus was found to be fully capable of muffling the screams of our test subjects, a series of factory errors made pillows produced in batch number PK2412 an ineffective tool for ending the life of an individual stricken with a painful, incurable disease. We express sincere regret over the matter, and vow to ensure our life-terminating pillows are up to Serta quality-assurance standards in the future.” Swift added that the recall by no means affected Serta’s suicide linens, a collection of bedsheets that have been optimized for fashioning a makeshift noose.
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