WASHINGTON—Noting that the changes would help provide a more balanced understanding of each individual’s character, the National Sex Offender Registry confirmed Wednesday that they would start listing some of each pedophile’s positive qualities, too. “It’s only fair that we even out some of the stuff about their sex crimes towards minors with a few bullet points about, say, how they’re handy around the house or great listeners,” said program Director Kendel Ehrlich, stressing that while the registry would always offer listings of every past offender’s location and sexual offenses involving children, it was important to remember that all human beings are three-dimensional through details such as a particular pedophile’s passion for cooking Italian cuisine or the music of REM. “This guy, for example, is named Glen Prichard. He lives in Indianapolis and he owned a large cache of child pornography. On the other hand, it turns out he’s a pretty good dad, if you discount that whole incident, and he has three brothers who really loved him until this all came out. Really, we’re just trying to add some nuance to a registry that used to seem a little too black and white.” Ehrlich added that the new protocols would also encourage pederasts to go around their neighborhood and say one positive thing about themselves before diving into their prior crimes.
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