CHICAGO—Saying there was nothing they’d wanted more in their entire lives, representatives from the Shedd Aquarium announced Monday that they’d trade it all for a single dog. “We’re proud to be home to more than 1,500 different species of aquatic animals, but at the end of the day, we’d rather have something that follows us home and snuggles up with us on the sofa,” said spokeswoman Jenna Michaels, adding that the Shedd wasn’t picky and would take any size, color, or breed of canine they could get, so long as they could walk it in the park and play Frisbee with it. “You can’t do any of that with fish. I mean, you’re allowed to pet the stingrays here, but it’s hardly the same as a good old-fashioned belly rub. And while the sea otters are adorable, have you ever tried taking one on a hike? Trust us, it’s bad idea. Just let us have one sweet little doggy! Please? Please, please, please, please, please?” At press time, the Shedd Aquarium had come under fire after employees reportedly traded all the aquatic animals for a single puppy and then immediately let it drown in a tank.
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