BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa. “This is only the most famous painting in history, for crying out loud. How does this place even call itself a museum?” Bellarico said after visiting every floor of the building and scanning the museum’s complimentary brochure in a fruitless effort to locate the iconic Leonardo da Vinci masterpiece. “Look, when I go to a museum I want to see that soup can painting, the sculpture of the thinking guy, and the Mona Lisa. Not a bunch of freaking quilts. What a scam.” At press time, Bellarico had given up and gone off to look for the dinosaur bones.

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