LAWRENCE, KS—Reasoning that they don’t really have anything else going for them in the increasingly automated post-industrial era of large-scale staple farming, the shittier regions of the country decided this week that they might as well give producing wine a shot. “At this point, maybe we should just see if we could get some grapes to grow here, spend the rainy-day money on a couple tanks of sulfites, and see how we do with fermenting wine,” said the residents of eastern Kansas, as well as those of central Ohio, northern Michigan, western Pennsylvania, and most of Nebraska, Wyoming, and Texas, noting that all that open land would look pleasant covered in vines, if you were on some type of tour where people could drink different whites and maybe see some horses or something. “We have all this space that’s just sitting here. How hard could winemaking possibly be? And it’s not like most people can tell the difference between good and bad stuff. If we just put “Sonoma Of The Plains” on the label, I bet folks would come from all over to try the different varieties or flavors or whatever they call them. We could even make little punch cards.” The plan reportedly stalled when other residents of the shitty regions reminded them that even bad wine takes years to make and that, pound for pound, methamphetamines are still a far more lucrative investment.
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