Try as you might, there’s only so much you can do to prepare for a human-shaped parasite to burst out of your body and into the world. Here are the most shocking things no one told you would happen during childbirth.
Labor Can Last As Long As 15 Minutes
It’s excruciating, but don’t be surprised if the baby doesn’t just slide out. Sometimes you’ll have to count to ten before it’s over, or in extreme cases, even say the alphabet twice.
People On The Street Are Allowed To Watch
Patient privacy laws and hospital guidelines generally do not apply when dealing with spectators who just want to come into your room a look at something gnarly.
It Doesn’t Hurt And Anyone Who Screams Is Just Looking For Sympathy
Childbirth is the single most comfortable, easiest biological process to perform, and people who scream are just being dramatic.
Every 1 in 2 billion babies is completely made of gold.
Umbilical Cords Have Tensile Strength Of Titanium
While people imagine the cord coming apart with just a little snip, it actually must be slowly severed with a plasma torch over several hours.
Al Michaels Will Be There
The legendary sports announcer sits inside every delivery room to give a riveting play-by-play of the childbirth.
The Drill Head
Newborn babies have sharp heads that rotate extremely quickly in order to tunnel themselves out of your uterus.
During labor, a stubborn baby will often stick its hand outside the vagina, flip off the doctor, and then refuse to come out until it’s given a reward.
We’re just as surprised as you are.
Doctors Will Shush You If You’re Screaming Too Loud During Contractions
Although you may feel like screaming during painful contractions, doctors will immediately shush you so other hospital patients can die in peace.
Most Hospitals Have A Show Baby
Nurses are often too busy to bring you your specific baby after birth, so they will just bring the same baby around to different mothers as a symbolic gesture until yours is ready for pickup.
The Baby Immediately Asks If They Can Borrow Your Car
After being stuck inside for 9 months, newborns will inevitably ask if they can borrow the car, hit the road, and go hang out with some friends.
You Can’t Take The Baby Home If It’s Ugly
When the baby comes out ugly, the hospital is legally obligated to keep them inside to protect them from being judged by society’s high beauty standards.
Your Newborn Remembers That Tiny Sip Of Wine
It was just once when you were two months pregnant at your sister’s wedding, but babies never forget when their mother tries to poison them.
A comprehensive birth plan detailing personal wishes should be written up so doctors can ignore it in favor of rushing you into a C-section.
Some Babies Are Born Clothed
The comfortable casual wear developed in utero may not dissolve, causing the baby to emerge from the birth canal with flannel shirts or leggings intact.
Nurses Will Never Get Your Drink Order Right
Whether it’s a complicated cocktail or something as simple as a can of Coors Light, you’ll have no choice but to politely sip it if you want to get a buzz on.
The Intense Bidding War For The Distribution Rights For Childbirth Footage Between Streamers
With Hulu, Amazon, and Netflix on your tail, don’t be surprised if you see a Deadline article the next day with a huge picture of you in labor.
You Can Smoke In The Delivery Room
The doctors and nurses are usually too busy to stop you.
It’s The Most Awe-Inspiring Experience In The Entire Universe
Be sure to tell all your childless friends!