Shocking Things No One Told You About Childbirth

Shocking Things No One Told You About Childbirth

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Try as you might, there’s only so much you can do to prepare for a human-shaped parasite to burst out of your body and into the world. Here are the most shocking things no one told you would happen during childbirth.

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Labor Can Last As Long As 15 Minutes

Labor Can Last As Long As 15 Minutes

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It’s excruciating, but don’t be surprised if the baby doesn’t just slide out. Sometimes you’ll have to count to ten before it’s over, or in extreme cases, even say the alphabet twice.

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People On The Street Are Allowed To Watch

People On The Street Are Allowed To Watch

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Patient privacy laws and hospital guidelines generally do not apply when dealing with spectators who just want to come into your room a look at something gnarly.

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It Doesn’t Hurt And Anyone Who Screams Is Just Looking For Sympathy

It Doesn’t Hurt And Anyone Who Screams Is Just Looking For Sympathy

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Childbirth is the single most comfortable, easiest biological process to perform, and people who scream are just being dramatic.

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Golden Baby

Golden Baby

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Every 1 in 2 billion babies is completely made of gold.

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Umbilical Cords Have Tensile Strength Of Titanium

Umbilical Cords Have Tensile Strength Of Titanium

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While people imagine the cord coming apart with just a little snip, it actually must be slowly severed with a plasma torch over several hours.

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Al Michaels Will Be There

Al Michaels Will Be There

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The legendary sports announcer sits inside every delivery room to give a riveting play-by-play of the childbirth.

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The Drill Head

The Drill Head

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Newborn babies have sharp heads that rotate extremely quickly in order to tunnel themselves out of your uterus.

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Rude Babies

Rude Babies

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During labor, a stubborn baby will often stick its hand outside the vagina, flip off the doctor, and then refuse to come out until it’s given a reward.

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It’s Twins!

It’s Twins!

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We’re just as surprised as you are.

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Doctors Will Shush You If You’re Screaming Too Loud During Contractions

Doctors Will Shush You If You’re Screaming Too Loud During Contractions

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Although you may feel like screaming during painful contractions, doctors will immediately shush you so other hospital patients can die in peace.

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Most Hospitals Have A Show Baby

Most Hospitals Have A Show Baby

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Nurses are often too busy to bring you your specific baby after birth, so they will just bring the same baby around to different mothers as a symbolic gesture until yours is ready for pickup.

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The Baby Immediately Asks If They Can Borrow Your Car

The Baby Immediately Asks If They Can Borrow Your Car

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After being stuck inside for 9 months, newborns will inevitably ask if they can borrow the car, hit the road, and go hang out with some friends.

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You Can’t Take The Baby Home If It’s Ugly

You Can’t Take The Baby Home If It’s Ugly

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When the baby comes out ugly, the hospital is legally obligated to keep them inside to protect them from being judged by society’s high beauty standards.

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Your Newborn Remembers That Tiny Sip Of Wine

Your Newborn Remembers That Tiny Sip Of Wine

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It was just once when you were two months pregnant at your sister’s wedding, but babies never forget when their mother tries to poison them.

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Birth Plans

Birth Plans

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A comprehensive birth plan detailing personal wishes should be written up so doctors can ignore it in favor of rushing you into a C-section.

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Some Babies Are Born Clothed

Some Babies Are Born Clothed

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The comfortable casual wear developed in utero may not dissolve, causing the baby to emerge from the birth canal with flannel shirts or leggings intact.

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Nurses Will Never Get Your Drink Order Right

Nurses Will Never Get Your Drink Order Right

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Whether it’s a complicated cocktail or something as simple as a can of Coors Light, you’ll have no choice but to politely sip it if you want to get a buzz on.

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The Intense Bidding War For The Distribution Rights For Childbirth Footage Between Streamers

The Intense Bidding War For The Distribution Rights For Childbirth Footage Between Streamers

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With Hulu, Amazon, and Netflix on your tail, don’t be surprised if you see a Deadline article the next day with a huge picture of you in labor.

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You Can Smoke In The Delivery Room

You Can Smoke In The Delivery Room

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The doctors and nurses are usually too busy to stop you.

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It’s The Most Awe-Inspiring Experience In The Entire Universe

It’s The Most Awe-Inspiring Experience In The Entire Universe

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Be sure to tell all your childless friends!

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