GAINESVILLE, FL—In a development poised to revolutionize the fastening of shoes, pioneering footwear scientists at the University of Florida unveiled Monday a highly advanced form of shoe-tying technology known as the double knot. “After rigorous eyelet analysis and adjusting for an array of footwear varieties, we clearly found that looping and tying off the laces a second time represents a groundbreaking and longer-lasting method of securing shoes than a mere single knot, which tends to loosen and can leave the shoelaces dragging and vulnerable,” said head researcher Peter Salpeas, who cautioned that tests still need to be conducted to determine the effects of stair-climbing, jumping, and jogging on the cutting-edge knot. “We believe this is an invaluable and life-changing technological breakthrough that should be applied en masse, and that’s why we’re launching a broad-based partnership with elementary schools to introduce citizens to this remarkable innovation at as early an age as possible. Within the next decade, we foresee double-knotting becoming standard practice among all shoe-wearers.” Shoe scientists have also postulated the existence of a hypothetical “triple knot,” though they warned such hyper-advanced technology would almost certainly result in wearers being rendered incapable of untying their laces, leaving their feet forever confined within their shoes.

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