SCARSDALE, NY—Touting the ordinarily trade-school course as an opportunity for students to learn practical life skills, administrators of the Scarsdale Public School District confirmed Thursday that their curriculum’s shop class teaches students how to deal with general contractors. “We’re happy to equip these kids with real-world skills, such as how to repair cabinets, fixtures, and shelving units by calling up local contractors and negotiating with them for the best rates,” said shop teacher George Sachs, adding that coursework would also cover popular music history in order to help students reference working-class bands such as Creedence Clearwater Revival and Lynyrd Skynyrd in casual conversation. “Our class runs the gamut from leaning on your marble counter while a handyman repairs your garbage disposal to figuring out how much to tip based on how nice the proletarian keeps his truck. We even cover workplace etiquette, like the importance of offering your maintenance drone a glass of sparkling water.” Sachs added that he was “humbled” by the opportunity to provide a service for those less fortunate students who had no personal assistant to handle dealing with contractors.

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