SAN ANTONIO, TX—Remarking that nothing made her feel more alive than walking out of a store with unpaid items, shoplifter Jessica Thatcher told reporters Tuesday that she always got a little adrenaline rush after stealing basic necessities for her family. “I don’t know what it is, but nothing gets my heart pounding faster than when I go into a store, open my backpack, and fill it with things that my children and I cannot afford and need to survive,” said Thatcher, adding that what started as a fun game of stealing baby formula for her infant quickly escalated to a full-on addiction to pilfering more valuable things like diapers, soap, and medicine. “I know it’s wrong, but once I got a taste of providing basic items like food and water to my hungry children, I really couldn’t stop. I guess I just get this sick, twisted thrill from not watching them starve. Maybe I need help.” At press time, Thatcher expressed relief that she would finally be on the road to recovery after being sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a single loaf of bread.