WASHINGTON—Announcing they were understaffed and needed all citizens to pitch in, NASA confirmed Monday that everyone in the country would need to take an hour-long shift looking out for asteroids headed toward Earth. “We don’t have enough astronomers on hand to always be watching the night skies for planet-destroying asteroids, so all of you are going to be assigned a time to help keep watch,” said NASA chief scientist James Green, explaining that he had been forced to crowdsource the work to the American populace after none of the temps sent over by a local employment agency had worked out. “All 318 million of you should be receiving an email with your scheduled patrol. If you can’t make your time slot, that’s fine, but you must find someone to cover for you. All you have to do is keep your eyes peeled for a huge, fiery asteroid on a collision course with Earth. On the off chance you do catch a glimpse of an enormous fireball coming our way, just yell real loud and we’ll send someone over to help.” Following reports of an unknown object hurtling through the atmosphere, NASA added a bunker-digging shift for every American.
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