Should Joe Biden Run Again?

Should Joe Biden Run Again?

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Age means many things in the American political arena. To some, it connotes wisdom, grace, and experience. To others, it suggests a fading gerontocracy that has grown increasingly out-of-touch with the average American. As the oldest commander-in-chief in the history of our republic, the current president’s age demands a vigorous discussion to settle the question: Should President Joseph R. Biden run again? Here—in The Onion’s first-ever roundtable discussion—the paper’s editorial columnists argue for and against the proposition in a legally binding debate—one that will force President Biden to bend to our ultimate decision or face immediate imprisonment.
The Onion Editorial Board

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Image for article titled Should Joe Biden Run Again?
Image for article titled Should Joe Biden Run Again?

The Democratic Party is confronted with a dilemma: Fielding an incumbent president can present them with obvious advantages, yet persistent health rumors might drag down any Biden reelection campaign. Meanwhile, I am in a dank basement, I’m strapped to a cold metal chair, and I haven’t slept or eaten in days.

All of this is to stress that you bastards can do your worst to me, but I’ll never tell you whether I think Joe Biden should run in 2024.

You hear that, you stupid sons of bitches? You want me to talk? You want my read on current polling? You’re going to have to do much worse than tearing off my fingernails to get a peep out of me on President Biden’s favorability numbers and accomplishments in office.

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Image for article titled Should Joe Biden Run Again?
Image for article titled Should Joe Biden Run Again?

It is tempting, when faced with the question of whether Joe Biden should run in 2024 to consider this question in isolation. Should President Biden run again? But is this even the right question? Over the past several years, I’ve studied the American people in great detail by reading articles about them in this newspaper and several other newspapers. In doing so, I have been forced to worry that we as a nation have lost sight of the facts that really matter.

The stakes are high. And for all Americans, it should be unequivocally clear: United States presidents serve four-year terms.

Four years. That’s more than one. More than two, even. But fewer years than five or six. As the 2024 election looms, we would do well to remember that.

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Image for article titled Should Joe Biden Run Again?
Image for article titled Should Joe Biden Run Again?

As the discussion rages over whether or not Joe Biden—our oldest president to date at age 79—should run for a second term in 2024, there is one glaring and pernicious aspect of the debate I demand we put a stop to at once. That is the suggestion that a corpse is not capable of being a great leader.

Simply put, it is ageist to suggest that a political figure cannot serve admirably just because their body is writhing with maggots or swollen with postmortem gases. Indeed, I challenge anyone to name one legitimate reason not to elevate a decaying carcass to the highest office in the land.

I’ll wait, but I don’t think you’ll find one.

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Image for article titled Should Joe Biden Run Again?
Image for article titled Should Joe Biden Run Again?

I ask you, what will happen to the presidency that Biden has now if Biden becomes president in 2024? Will someone have to temporarily take over as president today while he’s busy being president later? Or will he hang onto both presidencies, ultimately starting to neglect the presidency he already has?When I first heard the rumors that President Biden might be running for re-election in 2024, I was shocked. Let me get this straight: Biden wants to be president later. But he’s already president now? I’m sorry, but with all due respect, Mr. President, you can’t have it both ways.

First of all, that’s a lot of presidency for one guy. Do we see any other current presidents throwing their hats into the ring? No, and that’s because no one else has such audacity.

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Image for article titled Should Joe Biden Run Again?

Should Joe Biden run in 2024? I mean, sure, whatever. Who fucking cares?

I know, I know. I’m supposed to say that my time with him in the White House was so blah-blah-blah and gave me such amazing insight into whatever-the-hell. Truly, though, I couldn’t give less of a shit about what Biden does. I don’t know why people would even think I’d have a strong opinion about this guy. I worked with him, like, six years ago.

You can ask me if Biden’s been an effective leader or if he still has another term left in him, but the reality of the situation is that from the moment I stepped out of the White House, I’ve had no fucking clue what’s been going on with any of those losers from my administration.

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Image for article titled Should Joe Biden Run Again?
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At the age of 79, Joe Biden is the oldest person ever to serve as president of the United States of America. While Biden may be considering running for a second term in 2024, he is sadly much too old, unlike myself, who, as a journalist and public figure, is incredibly youthful, marketable, and available for booking on a broad range of high-visibility, cross-platform media opportunities including freelance gigs and TV appearances.

Biden fans might not like to hear this, but I’m a millennial influencer, writer, commentator, and politics junkie whose viral videos, splashy personal essays, and unapologetic takedowns have amassed over 10 million unique impressions and built a fanbase of over 60,000 followers across multiple social media platforms.

Let’s get in touch!

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Okay, don’t tell anyone I told you this, but I have this friend who works at the White House, and she said that Biden’s literally not nice in real life at all.

Like, at all.

Remember when Biden was on the campaign trail, hugging people and smiling? He seemed so warm, right? So compassionate, so kind? Wrong!

According to my friend, he barely hugs people in real life. I heard he doesn’t even smile. The real Biden is a huge jerk. Apparently he is rude, like actually rude. My friend said that Biden comes into work every day without making eye contact with anyone, he never says thank you when you compliment him, and once, when she asked how his weekend was, he didn’t even respond. He just walked right past her.

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Today, President Joe Biden has the world against him. Despite his countless legislative wins, many so-called Democrats would rather see one of the best public servants in modern American history pack his bags, leave the White House, and retire. Well, to them I say: You could not be more wrong. Joe Biden deserves four more years of making my centrist baby boomer pussy sopping wet.

Sorry, Bernie Bros. I’m a 67-year-old lifelong Democrat; my vagina is absolutely saturated with thick, hot clam sauce from the mere thought of a second Joe Biden term; and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

That’s right. Even just mentioning Joe Biden and his moderate agenda has awakened within the very depths of my loins a hot, bubbling spring of freshly squeezed, unpasteurized pussy nectar. From the day he was elected, Joe Biden got to work fixing America, and just thinking about it, as I type, is conjuring forth a geyser of juices so powerful it’s all but melted a gaping hole in my high-waisted granny panties.

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